Brandi is one of my best friends, I met her though another blog and we have been talking ever since! She blogs over at: Revealing Hope
When I was 12 I had a huge struggle with myself and how I looked. I have seen that there are tons and tons of girls having low self confidence and it’s beginning to start and spread to girls at younger ages. In the media, they are forcing a certain look. All the celebrities have perfect white teeth and really curvy bodies. Why can’t I look like them? When I was younger my struggle was with my smile. It wasn’t pure white like people in the Colgate adds, but it also wasn’t yellow. My teeth were slightly crooked and I had trouble getting rid of baby teeth. And that was just the beginning of my self doubt.
When I was twelve I had a morning ritual. Every time I passed the mirror I would smile real big and think “you are so ugly,” or “I don’t deserve to smile.” And sometimes “if you smile babies will cry and people will die.” I felt horrible. So I decided never to smile. If I laughed I would make sure I didn’t open my mouth so people couldn’t see my insecurity. As the year wore I on, I began to get sadder and sadder. Every time I passed a mirror I would remind myself how ugly I was. Every other night I would cry into my pillow.
Nobody ever told me I was ugly, I actually got a lot of compliments on how I looked. I was bulling myself for no real reason. When I was younger, if I ever did anything bad I would cry and think people hate me. If I spilled my milk my parents would be disappointed in me. I would pressure myself to be perfect. A goal now one can achieve. I have always tried to be that perfect person who pleases their parents and are good influences for their friends.
So anyways, as the year turned to fall my two “best friends” started bullying me and making fun of me, my faith, and my family. I was helping *Riley and *Hailey climb a tree. If they started to slip I would push them back up. As they were in the tree they started spitting in my hair and calling me B. S. My initials, but that was not what they were meaning. I came home and cried. They didn’t say I looked ugly but for some reason I associated it with that. I talked to my mom about what happend and she was talking about how one thing can lead to another like rabbit trails. I also saw how it was effecting my family so I started smiling again, but not because I felt good about myself. I smiled for my family.
I soon realized that I was jumping to conclusions about my looks. For example “they were excluding me because I am ugly.” And I kept adding on to that sentence with more of my insecurities. Have you ever done that? I began to read the Bible more to answer my unanswered questions. The more I read, the more I prayed. The more I prayed the stronger my relationship became with God. The stronger my relationship, the better I felt.
Through God I learned to love myself and accept my flaws. I now smile regularly and think that I am beautiful. I was talking to my mom the other day and she said that most times people have to be at the end of their rope to understand how much they need God. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember, I am growing up In a wonderful Christian family. It doesn’t matter who you are or where your from, but God will be there for you in the end, just like He was in the beginning. I know that everybody’s struggle different and that there are problems like this each year and every day. Here are some bible verses that helped me, maybe they will help you on your journey:
“Trust in The Lord with all your heart, lean not in your own understanding. With all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your oaths straight.”
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong, be courageous. For The Lord your God is with you.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
“Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but (she) who trusts in The Lord, loving kindness shall surround (her).
I will be praying for you.