You know how when you get so happy you cant do anything but smile, laugh and dance? Yeah that’s me right now. I have been struggling with things for a long long time but today I am free from it all. God has saved me and by his grace I am saved more and more each day. God says that he will never leave us nor will he forsake us, and I believe that with all my heart. Growing up I went through abuse, then at the age of 19 I was raped by my then boyfriend. I always dealt with suicidal thoughts and self harm but as the years went on things just got worse and worse.
At the age of 12 I became addicted to hard core porn, I’m talking about the most vile disgusting things. I struggled with that addicted till about August of this year. But I am free of it. My parents and various family members abused me while I was growing up, for a while I thought that it was normal, that it was what parents and families did. I developed an eating disorder around the age of 13/14. I just had no interest in food, whenever I ate it I felt like throwing it right back up. Funny enough, I gained weight, which made everything worse.
When I was 13 I got my first boyfriend, we dated on and off for 3 years, the relationship itself wasn’t too bad, I was going through things personally that made it not work. I’ve had boyfriend after boyfriend (and even a girlfriend, but that lasted only a week) Most of my relationships had issues, mainly me. But I was abused in some of them, and even though it hurt me then, I’m healed.
My most recent breakup was because of a nasty relationship, if you can even call it that. All he wanted was sex. He raped me. I wont go into detail about it, there isn’t much point. But it really messed me up for a few months.
I struggled with self harm (cutting) since I was 12 and I still deal with it to this day. Some days were worse than others. Mix into that an eating disorder and Bipolar…well it’s quite the combination. I really didn’t know how to deal with everything that I was feeling and I took it out on myself, through different means. I have attempted suicide over 20 times, that isn’t including overdoses. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked. It put me in a tail spin. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, and after a few days I attempted to overdose again. I should have died. But God saved me.
Through all this I have learned to trust God more and more. Whatever happens, I will praise him. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. Dealing with being bipolar has been interesting to say the least. Being depressed and having severe anxiety isn’t fun but I know that what I go through can be used to help others. And that is what I am doing. Helping others. God has called me to do something special and I cannot say no.