Isn’t funny that you are supposed to be the place of love and forgiveness and acceptance…but I didn’t get that from you? I came to you in my brokenness. I came to you when I had no where else to go. I came to you when I was bleeding. I came to you when I was crying. I came to you when I was on the brink of death, and you turned your head and walked away from me.
Church…are you not supposed to be like Christ? Are you not supposed to love your neighbor as yourself? Is it not your job to open your arms and welcome in the broken and hurting? Where have you gone church? What have you done? I am calling for my brothers and sisters but when I speak in all honesty, you flee from my presence.
How dare I speak about my illnesses, my addictions, my struggles. How dare I say that I need help, that I need someone to walk along side me. You tell me scripture after scripture but you do not sit down and listen to my cries. Yes I know Jesus is there for me, but sometimes I need you, a fellow believer to sit with me and hold me as I cry.
Shhh, I can’t mention that I was sexually assaulted by a “member” of the church. “Forgive him and move on” you say, not realizing that I lay awake, feeling his touch, feeling dirty and used. I am forced to look upon his face every time I step through the doors, I am forced to relive that moment over and over again, and I can’t cry out about the injustice. Only now, since I have moved, am I free of him.
You say that depression means that I’m not close enough with God, but it’s in those deep pits of depression that I am closest with God. It’s when I am in my bed, crying so hard that I want to scream, that I am reaching out to Him. I am like David, saying “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out;my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.”
Church, where have you gone? Where were you when I called out saying that I needed fellowship, when I needed my brothers and sisters. Where are you when I have come in my brokenness, my body weary, my eyes red, my soul hurting. Oh Church what have you done?